Meanwhile, Back at the Empire State Building…

(originally posted 02/27/08)

Peer pressure. I don't care what your mamas told you: it never gets old. You never outgrow it. I don't care how cool you think you are, or how secure you think you are or how aloof you think you are. It's always there. Looming. Taunting. Killing your calves.

No, no, no…your Holsteins are safe…

I'm talking about the ones between your ankles & knees. THOSE calves. Write this down in your collective diaries – no pen? I'll wait…no really – you'll want to commit this to paper, I promise. Ready? OK – I've been working out. VOUS?? Oui, moi!! And not just once to say I'd done it & thought it overrated, but on a rather regular basis!!

I know! It's Cuh- RAZY!! Previous to this current bout of mental illness the most exercise I got was walking from sofa (living room) to fridge (kitchen) to refill the wine glass which on a good day merely negated the caloric intake.

But now, my uh, "friends" have gotten this WACKY idea in their heads that this activity called "working out" would improve the weight loss experience.

Improve? I'm pretty sure they are using that word pretty loosely. Today after our workout my whole body felt like green Jell-o melting in the sun (The green was an alien reference – as in "I'm such an alien to this world of exercise!") and I'm sure I won't be able to move at all tomorrow.

Huh?? Oh!!! You caught that…."OUR" workout…yeah…well, this is where the peer pressure comes in…unless guided by the gentle hands of those around me, I'd be sitting around like Jabba the Huttress waiting for my froggy lunch to be brought to me…

And wouldn't THAT be pretty???

So even though this exercise thing is certainly not easy, I must sum up by saying:

free gym at work membership? (did my lazy ass mention that?) Free
water, towels, gym locker, shower? Free
making sure you don't embarrass yourself in the gym alone? Priceless

Oh yeah. And I'd better lose some damn weight.

Keeping up with the Joneses

(originally posted 02/04/08)

I can hear my mom's words ringing in my head as I stood in the kitchen – shocking pink lipstick in one hand and gangrene blue eye shadow in the other – "If everyone jumped off the Empire State Building, would you jump, too?" OK – in fairness to her, the "Blind Hooker with the D.T.'s" look I had going on was probably not what my mom expected to see when she turned to look at the fresh face of her 15 year old daughter, but all my friends were wearing makeup and I wanted to, too! What Mom actually was seeing, in her defense, was completely frightening: garish makeup-face and a gray & green polyester 2 piece ensemble hanging on a late-bloomer figure. Together. In the same fashion statement. Talk about groovy, huh?!

What? Polyester was never cool? Really!? Never? THAT'S embarrassing…

Anyway…I digress (you'll get used to it, I promise): back to the Empire State Building…for the record, I didn't jump – I walked straight to the bathroom (after much mother/teenage daughter debating, arguing, temper tantrum-ing) and off with the makeup. For those keeping score – Mom won. For pretty much ever. I have a drawer full of un- or slightly-worn makeup, and not to allude too directly to a certain defunct cable show, but I could own real estate for the amount of unused makeup I've purchased over the years. Not a lot of real estate – and honestly not anywhere I'd like to live, but real estate nonetheless. Who else is with me? What gal doesn't have a ton of colors and shades that look fantastic under the glittering fluorescent glow of the department store or Rite Aid counter but when you get them home they look like a kindergartener's Easter project??

Where was I? Ah, yes…New York. It usually takes me years to embrace what others do in a moment – most of my friends had makeup at 13 - I just got an iPod – and only because it was a gift – and the only thing I load on it is videos; computers? Aren't those for work and online shopping? I DO have a cool cell phone, but only because Man O' Mine would no longer be seen in public with me if I carried the monochromatic-screened portable brick around so he bought me a new one with colors and lights and a fancy ringtone! Txt msg? RU Nuts? LMAO!! (ok – you got me - I really get into text messaging – it's so clever the way you can say almost anything in 160 characters or less!)

Which brings me here, ladies and gentlemen…The Blog. When I first heard of this mysterious new devise I thought another celebrity couple broke up and this is how the press was naming the untimely demise. But then I heard about this gal that writes about her cat…everyday. And another randomly discovered blog talked about how fun and exciting lasagna in a crock pot can be!! (LOVE my crock pot, btw), and then a coworker told me of another coworker's blog. And he is FUNNY! Then a friend of mine started to blog. And she's freaking awesome! Then another! Soon I was surrounded by bloggers!! And dammit, I wanted to blog, too!

So come along with me on my long jump off the Empire State Building…have some wine! Who knows where the fall will land us, but it'll be a hell of a trip!