Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Who the Ef is Sarah Marshall?

It started near the end of last week. I'm driving my usual 3 blocks home from work and I see a poster that says "You Suck, Sarah Marshall http://www.ihatesarahmarshall.com/" and I laughed! Oh, Goody! Summer movies starting early!!! I gotta look this website up!! In one eye and out the other, I completely forgot about it.

Two days later, I'm at the video store. I look up, and there's this HUGE billboard that says "My mother always hated you, Sarah Marshall!" HA!!! HILARIOUS!!! This is gonna be GREAT!!! I have GOT to remember to look this up when I get home!!

…long story short: 3 more billboards, an exercise in memory retention gone awry and one week later I STILL have not remembered to look up this movie when I was anywhere near a computer. Until tonight. In a nod to the spirit of this blog, it was, as most things are in my life, a classic A.D.D. moment…clicking randomly around the Yahoo! Home page I notice that most popular search #8 is – you guessed it: Sarah Marshall! OOOH!! Thank God! 'Cause this movie will be on video before I remember to look it up!

Click…click… http://www.ihatesarahmarshall.com/


Oh, Boy. This is NOT a movie…this is a high velocity train wreck…This poor schmuck, Peter Bretter starts a video log and blog about how much he loves his girlfriend, Sarah Marshall, and how he can't wait to marry her and in one month his story goes from "Happily Ever After" to "Where's the warm bath, pills and razor blade?"

And I'm thinking the billboards really are all about telling off Sarah Marshall! HOLY CRAP!! He took the engagement ring back and spent the money on a bunch of billboards, taking his pain public, and trying to exorcize his demon! WOW!

And as I'm feeling all kinds of pain and pathos for this guy, my poor heart bleeding for him, remembering the pain of an unexpected breakup, etc., I click over to another (looks like related) website "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" - and lo and behold - it IS a movie - coming to a theater near you - soonish - and the guy - Peter - looks a helluva lot like Poor Schmuck Peter and the girl - Sarah Marshall - looks a helluva lot like SuperBitchBreakUpGirl Sarah Marshall and the lightbulb goes off...and I feel like the schmuck.

One one hand, kudos to my gut instincts! I watch enough E! to have heard of these people, this breakup - Ryan Seacrest never said anything about this! I know these things!

On the other, to be totally manipulated by the machinations of fiction gives me pause. Am I that much of a sucker? At my age? Shame on me. High five to them.

I guess clever is as clever does...

Porn and the art of 20/20 vision

The Easter bunny was VERY good to me this year…he came hippity hoppity across my lawn with a new high-def satellite dish, and now I'm sitting at home with the remote in my hand watching Food Network in High Definition…it's porn for foodies – everything looks so clear! So wonderful! So decadent! All in glorious 16:9, 1080p! How did I ever watch Ina Garten crush peanuts or see Alton Brown's sock puppets with just plain old, regular tv before? My eyes have been opened! I can see every sprinkle of salt, every glistening piece of bacon, every shiny piece of chocolate in a way that harkens me back to putting on my first pair of glasses. Yes, really.

I'm pretty sure I've been ruined. So forgive me if I start to need more & more alone time, ignoring friends and family, isolating myself from the world, taking meals in my room. I'm having a moment (or a few) with my plasma and the Food Network in HD. I'll be done in a bit..!

Although I imagine real porn in high def must be a bit disturbing…does anyone want to see it THAT clearly? I'm just sayin'…

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Needing a Spring Break (Part 2)

...The Big Kahuna – Easter Sunday…lilies, eggs, bunnies, the resurrection of Jesus…all good stuff and personally my favorite holiday of the year! What? What do bunnies and eggs have to do with Jesus? I could give you an answer in all its Technicolor glory, but really Matt Parker & Trey Stone answered it best (and funniest) in the “South Park Fantastic Easter Special” (season 11). Run, don’t walk, to a computer near you! http://www.southparkstudios.com/

WHEW!!! Five out of seven days of celebrations!! At least next year, Easter is in April – we won’t have all our Spring fun days all bunched together! In the meantime, enjoy your week…!

I need a nap…

Needing a Spring Break (Part 1)

Happy Party Week, everyone!! Is it just me…never mind, it probably IS just me – and maybe a few of my family members…but I'm thinking this week is just chock-full of fun-party-good-times!! Follow along with me, if you will…

Monday was St. Patrick's Day…and a wee bit o' the celebratin' was going on all over this grand nation – though not in Ireland, incidentally – but we all know that. This is an American holiday invented by Americans to get rid of the excess stores of green beer and corned beef that magically appear in storerooms sometime late February.

Tuesday we got a break – unless you count Hangover Recovery Day…shhhhhh….and pass me the aspirin…!

Wednesday was St. Joseph's Day. An Italian holiday celebrated on March 19th every year by lots of real Italians and my immediate family. It's a groovy holiday with a nice premise (see below), but I always feel a bit like the Jewish kid at a Catholic school near Christmastime when St. Joe's Day comes around. Everyone's all hopped up like a spider monkey on Mountain Dew about St. Paddy: wearing green, pinching people, faking a brogue, puking green beer…and I come around two days later wearing red – talking food - and I get looked at like I'm a foreign exchange student that missed the boat by about 48 hours. In my family, it's the first phone call of the day: "Happy St. Joseph's Day!! YAY!! What are you making for dinner??" and we all get into a long discussion about the 10,000 different possibilities we could make and it's a big deal and we love it! Even my sister's Confirmation name is Joseph – really! It is! Then I arrive at work. And all I hear is the cricket's chirp…nada…and I wish friends happy St. Joe's Day and they humor me - thanks, guys! But overall, St. Joe doesn't get nearly the hub-bub that his Irish heavenly roommate receives.

At this point I usually make a silly comment about St. Joe being the red-headed step-child in the family of holidays, but in this day 'n' age, if you only have ONE set of parents, you're the odd man out – you're the weird one – red-headed or no, so I leave that part out now.

Here's the premise of St. Joseph's Day: Because the humble but obedient Joe (Or Giuseppe as my mom knew him) was such a swell guy and took the unwed, yet expectant Mary into his home without fear of the neighbor wives gossiping, the Italians celebrate him on his feast day by opening their homes to anyone that passes by and offering them a meal or drink or rest. Anyone. Neighbor, beggar, priest, politician, friend or foe – we all emulate Giuseppe on that day and give respite to the passers-by. Pretty cool, huh? I always thought so...it's nice to be nice. So if you're in the neighborhood next March 19, there's a fork waiting at my house with your name on it!

Enough good-deeding!! On to Thursday – today - the First Day of Spring!! YAY!! Celebrated by Celts and farmers for centuries. You know – rumor has it that you can stand an egg on end on the first day of Spring (the vernal equinox) and the first day of Fall (the autumnal equinox) – go ahead – give it a try! It'll drive you to drink more than you did on Monday (then wish it was Tuesday again!).

And now we move from super-pagan to super- religious. Tomorrow is Good Friday. Not necessarily a day to party – unless you're a hardcore Jesus fan. But even then it's partying on the inside. When I was a kid, no Good Friday was complete without a few (or 14) Stations of The Cross – yipeee!! Now THERE'S a fun way to spend three hours! I was never in my life so happy for 3:00 to roll around as I was on Good Fridays. The bonus? Friday means fish fry - and if you grew up in the Eastern side of the U.S., you know what I mean...oh yeah....underneath all the yummy, crispy, greasy, tartar saucy goodness a fish gave his life to be your supper. Good for him. Better for you! And yes! Yes, I will be having fries with that! And a beer, thank you! (shhhhh.....! this is called a "lenten sacrifice" - don't tell anyone how much of a sacrifice this isn't!!)

Saturday…ahhh…Take a Breather Day…relax – color some eggs (you know, the one that wouldn't stand on its end on Thursday) – buy a ham…get ready for...(drum roll please)...

Monday, March 17, 2008

Oh Look! A Chicken…!

I don't know why I think this is so funny, but I am laughing my ASS off…!!


Wednesday, March 12, 2008

I Want To Be Good

Really. I do!! I don't believe we should peek at what's in Mom's & Dad's closet anywhere from around Halloween until around, say, December 26 or 27. That wouldn't be sportsmanlike…it wouldn't be fair. Not to your folks – not to you. There is something really lovely and exciting and fabulous about anticipation. Remember? WAITING for Santa? Waiting for summer vacation? Waiting for that first date or first kiss or anything??? Am I the only child-like oddity in a world full of instant gratification?

For all of you not very familiar with me, my Christmas comes on the 25th. This year it happens to come in July. Yes, Santa still has white hair, and yes, his name is Chris, but he doesn't say "HO! HO! HO!"- he says "ummm." A lot. But I love him dearly as he is still, after all this time, the mysterious bringer of joy to my little world. He is, of course, Chris Carter. And this year Santa is bringing me, and all my brothers and sisters a Very Special Present – FINALLY!! X-Files 2 – Done One or something like that…anyway.

Here's the thing, X-Files brothers and sisters of mine: I KNOW where Mom & Dad hide the pressies. I know!! Which is PRECISELY why I go nowhere near the closest for a long ass time before Christmas! I may PRETEND I don't know so they'll keep hiding them there. This is a calculated move – if the presents get moved, I may stumble on them unintentionally someday. And that would suck. Because then I'd know what I'm getting for Chris-mas. Which I don't want to know until Chris-mas Day when I open them. Popcorn in hand. Sweaty palms. Not being able to sleep at all the night before but KNOWING that I have to sleep or Santa won't come.

This is fun!! This is exciting!!

So please – though I say it in vain – please don't open up the closet and put all the presents in the middle of the living room floor. Please?? I don't want to know until July 25, but I don't want to walk around the house with my eyes closed for the next 3 ½ months, either. It'd be funny watching me bump into things, for sure…but it wouldn't be nice.

You better watch out…you better not cry…

Tuesday, March 11, 2008


…as in "…foiled again!" Or "the Mummy's…" or those goodies passed out by witches or angry Voo-doo chicken-killers on Halloween…

Currently, my definition is a swear word of the G-rated kind rather than the amusing expletives I'm so renowned for: I've been chain mailed. And not in the fun-lovin', harmless, medieval way!

I've just discovered (I know – call me slow) there is something going around (not unlike the flu) in the blog world called Blog Tag. Sources tell me it's like a chain letter of secrets…or "secrets" depending on whether or not your memoirs already have a book deal pending. If you've been tagged, you're supposed to give 7 pieces of information that relatively few people know about you then you tag forward 7 others to do the same.

Here's the rub: I've just been Tagged. EEK! I feel like a sullied cement wall on the side of an inner city cyber-highway!!!

Here's the culprit: http://katedating.blogspot.com/2008/03/blog-tagged.html Happily for Kate, she knows A LOT of bloggers – so say I and thus it shall be true (hee!)! I, on the other hand, don't know that many people, let alone people that blog!!! I'm panicking that I may have to make random hits – Ding Dong Blog, if you will.

What if I ignore this chain letter? Will there be a curse? If I don't forward properly in the next 15 minutes will my phone NOT ring?? (Oh, please gods…please! A Night Without Phones!) Will my deepest wish NOT come true in the number of minutes that correspond with the number of people I didn't forward my blog tag to?

Let's say I DO manage to scare up seven other people. Do any of them care enough about my alleged secrets (no book deal pending) to read on? Think me interesting? Take the tag seriously enough to forward to friends and families? Or, do they curse (there's that word again!) me even as they blog away about their own new misfortune, typing away into the night about the secrets only they and the Nanny-Cam know?

And then part two: Seven things that few people know about me…I dunno about that one. My life isn't exactly an open book, but it certainly isn't locked tight either…I can't say there is too much in my life that most don't already know. Getting inside my head is like looking through a sliding glass door.

Well, let's try part two first then worry about part one:

  1. I am a 1970's AM pop-music, Top-40 junkie – all the classics – Helen Reddy, Mac Davis, Barry Manilow, Roberta Flack, that guy that sang Wildfire – you name them, I love them…you know? Let's expand that - pretty much all AM Top 40…the 50's right through to about 1989 – the bee-boppin' makes me feel good – I won't deny it!
  2. I thought an Epilady was a good idea until I bought one and tried it. Once. Then I immediately threw it out before I finished paying for it and never looked back on that evil, male-invented, torture device. I'm very good at not looking back once I've decided something or someone isn't good for me – but not so good when I still believe in something (or someone) …people call it mental illness, I call it stamina.
  3. Cheese Whiz!!! I LOVE IT!!!! It's a disgusting, orange-ish, pressurized, partially-hydrogenated can of cheese-like substance, but the anti-gourmand in me just can't say no to the Whiz – especially on deviled eggs…oh yeah…that's livin' my friend!
  4. The last guy I dated before I met my Happily Ever After told me (after he had given HIS order to the waiter and said "that will be all") that he didn't think I'd be eating that evening because it looked like I needed to lose weight (Seriously. He really did. Asshole.)
  5. Though I pretend to hate them, I really enjoy "guy" shows, like Modern Marvels and Mega Structures
  6. I've been to a Star Trek Convention……but really wished I'd "saved myself" for an X-Files one
  7. I'm a sucker for a Man's Man – normal, strong, smart men who act like men and are not ashamed to be manly – guys like Harrison Ford, David Duchovny, Sean Connery, Josh Holloway, Jon Hamm, Brian Williams (yes!). Men who can fix things and look good doing it while lighting my cigarette and mixing my martini in a tuxedo with no shirt on, sporting a 5:00 shadow, calling me Sweetheart. These are my kind of men. Sensitive? Sure! But because it's hot, not politically correct.

How's that?? Are you enlightened and/or horrified?

Now back to part one: What am I supposed to do? Blog It Forward? I think if I randomly tagged bloggers I don't know, I'll get virtual flaming poo on my virtual doorstep – Unwanted! Unwanted! I understand the concept. I understand the purpose. But I really have no idea who any other bloggers are. I'd seriously have to Google blogging even to find out where to begin looking! And if I tagged them, doncha think it'd be rude? And a little weird? "Who is this person and why are they spray painting all over my website?" I can hear it now!

So here's what I'm going to do: I'll tag back the tagger that tagged me, then tag the tagger that tagged her, then I'll tag her tagger (really! I will!) until someone somewhere tells me whether it's REALLY OK to tag random people I don't even know. And hopefully they, or someone they know, will give some advice about tagging etiquette or Blog it Forward on my ignorant behalf. I know I'm new, but I also know that is no excuse. And I am sure that once you offend someone in cyberspace, you're screwed forever.

So be kind, Bloggers! And HELP!!!




Monday, March 10, 2008

Happy Day Belly Laugh

It may be silly, but this puts a smile on my face like puppy dogs tails and sunny days…


Wednesday, March 5, 2008

What the…?

I can't not write about this. I can't ! This is probably the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard – no wait – government grants to study cow farts is more ridiculous – but this is very close AND, coincidentally, along the same thought process.

Mr. John Coleman, the guy that started the Weather Channel, wants to sue Al Gore – yeah – THAT Al Gore – to "put some light on the fraud of global warming".


Notwithstanding the insane grasp for his second fifteen minutes of fame (you only get one, buddy), this is (where's my thesaurus – I'll be needing LOTS of synonyms for "CRAZY") crazy!

And, so what? So what if the former Vice-President pitches Global Warming? The globe IS getting warmer. I grew up near a very famous honeymoon destination in the east. Right near a lake that used to freeze over every winter. So frozen that idiots in hot rods used to play "chicken" and drive across. Smart? No. Safe? Definitely not. But it was a feat that could be accomplished. Now, today, if those same idiots took their hotrods out and tried the same stupid trick they'd be mud flap deep in bottom slime. The lake hasn't frozen over in years. Is it Global Warming, or a warming globe?

Is it all us? Can we really be that arrogant and think it is? I'm no scientist, but I do have an ounce of common sense. I've seen his movie. My recollection is that Al Gore isn't saying that there aren't cyclical weather patterns – he's not saying that YOUR PORCH LIGHT will kill all the polar bears – he's saying that we need to pay attention to how wasteful we are! That we need to cut back – That we can't keep raping and pillaging the land without consequences. That perhaps we are accelerating the natural progression of weather changes. Why would we want to do that? What -we don't care because we'll be dead by then & future generations will have to deal with it? Excellent. Nice way of thinking.

Listen. I'm no tree hugger…I love me some Styrofoam and disposable diapers. I eat meat & wear leather. I drive a big car with a big engine. I don't have far to drive in my little area of Los Angeles, however, a V-8 is a V-8 (engine – not veggie drink). But I believe in doing my part. I eat organic & sustainable. I recycle. I walk to work (no. no I don't – but I do walk to the market!) and I turn out the lights when I leave a room.

I think that bringing the issue to light in the manner that Mr. Gore has is smart. People rarely pay attention to anything unless we are at the extreme end of our collective ropes. If your doctor told you that eating just ONE MORE cheeseburger would raise your cholesterol some & your weight some and your blood pressure some, you'd probably avoid cheeseburgers for a bit, then rationalize – "it's just ONE" and go ahead and have it. Same scenario, but this time, your doctor told you that if you ate just ONE MORE cheeseburger you would DIE, my dollar is on the bet that you'd cut those out of your menu immediately and forever. Am I close?

Which brings me to my second thought. Al Gore is no scientist, either. Now, I know what you're going to say: pay someone enough and they'll tell you whatever you want to hear. True. There are facts that back up the Global Warming thing and facts that back up the warming globe thing. But why take any chances? Al's passionate about what he believes and he's telling us about it and backing it up with a nifty PowerPoint presentation. Even if it is a bit alarmist, maybe that is what we as a people need to hear so we can put down that cheeseburger? Even if it IS total crap, isn't conservation a GOOD thing? Isn't making sure factories at least try to be more eco-friendly a step in the right direction?

And you, Mr. John Coleman, you want to sue him for what? Scaring us into being better global citizens? Really? Or did you just want attention?

I guess it worked.