Who the Ef is Sarah Marshall?

It started near the end of last week. I'm driving my usual 3 blocks home from work and I see a poster that says "You Suck, Sarah Marshall http://www.ihatesarahmarshall.com/" and I laughed! Oh, Goody! Summer movies starting early!!! I gotta look this website up!! In one eye and out the other, I completely forgot about it.

Two days later, I'm at the video store. I look up, and there's this HUGE billboard that says "My mother always hated you, Sarah Marshall!" HA!!! HILARIOUS!!! This is gonna be GREAT!!! I have GOT to remember to look this up when I get home!!

…long story short: 3 more billboards, an exercise in memory retention gone awry and one week later I STILL have not remembered to look up this movie when I was anywhere near a computer. Until tonight. In a nod to the spirit of this blog, it was, as most things are in my life, a classic A.D.D. moment…clicking randomly around the Yahoo! Home page I notice that most popular search #8 is – you guessed it: Sarah Marshall! OOOH!! Thank God! 'Cause this movie will be on video before I remember to look it up!

Click…click… http://www.ihatesarahmarshall.com/

click…

Oh, Boy. This is NOT a movie…this is a high velocity train wreck…This poor schmuck, Peter Bretter starts a video log and blog about how much he loves his girlfriend, Sarah Marshall, and how he can't wait to marry her and in one month his story goes from "Happily Ever After" to "Where's the warm bath, pills and razor blade?"

And I'm thinking the billboards really are all about telling off Sarah Marshall! HOLY CRAP!! He took the engagement ring back and spent the money on a bunch of billboards, taking his pain public, and trying to exorcize his demon! WOW!

And as I'm feeling all kinds of pain and pathos for this guy, my poor heart bleeding for him, remembering the pain of an unexpected breakup, etc., I click over to another (looks like related) website "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" - and lo and behold - it IS a movie - coming to a theater near you - soonish - and the guy - Peter - looks a helluva lot like Poor Schmuck Peter and the girl - Sarah Marshall - looks a helluva lot like SuperBitchBreakUpGirl Sarah Marshall and the lightbulb goes off...and I feel like the schmuck.

One one hand, kudos to my gut instincts! I watch enough E! to have heard of these people, this breakup - Ryan Seacrest never said anything about this! I know these things!

On the other, to be totally manipulated by the machinations of fiction gives me pause. Am I that much of a sucker? At my age? Shame on me. High five to them.

I guess clever is as clever does...

Porn and the art of 20/20 vision

The Easter bunny was VERY good to me this year…he came hippity hoppity across my lawn with a new high-def satellite dish, and now I'm sitting at home with the remote in my hand watching Food Network in High Definition…it's porn for foodies – everything looks so clear! So wonderful! So decadent! All in glorious 16:9, 1080p! How did I ever watch Ina Garten crush peanuts or see Alton Brown's sock puppets with just plain old, regular tv before? My eyes have been opened! I can see every sprinkle of salt, every glistening piece of bacon, every shiny piece of chocolate in a way that harkens me back to putting on my first pair of glasses. Yes, really.

I'm pretty sure I've been ruined. So forgive me if I start to need more & more alone time, ignoring friends and family, isolating myself from the world, taking meals in my room. I'm having a moment (or a few) with my plasma and the Food Network in HD. I'll be done in a bit..!

Although I imagine real porn in high def must be a bit disturbing…does anyone want to see it THAT clearly? I'm just sayin'…

Needing a Spring Break (Part 2)

...The Big Kahuna – Easter Sunday…lilies, eggs, bunnies, the resurrection of Jesus…all good stuff and personally my favorite holiday of the year! What? What do bunnies and eggs have to do with Jesus? I could give you an answer in all its Technicolor glory, but really Matt Parker & Trey Stone answered it best (and funniest) in the “South Park Fantastic Easter Special” (season 11). Run, don’t walk, to a computer near you! http://www.southparkstudios.com/

WHEW!!! Five out of seven days of celebrations!! At least next year, Easter is in April – we won’t have all our Spring fun days all bunched together! In the meantime, enjoy your week…!

I need a nap…

Needing a Spring Break (Part 1)

Happy Party Week, everyone!! Is it just me…never mind, it probably IS just me – and maybe a few of my family members…but I'm thinking this week is just chock-full of fun-party-good-times!! Follow along with me, if you will…

Monday was St. Patrick's Day…and a wee bit o' the celebratin' was going on all over this grand nation – though not in Ireland, incidentally – but we all know that. This is an American holiday invented by Americans to get rid of the excess stores of green beer and corned beef that magically appear in storerooms sometime late February.

Tuesday we got a break – unless you count Hangover Recovery Day…shhhhhh….and pass me the aspirin…!

Wednesday was St. Joseph's Day. An Italian holiday celebrated on March 19^th every year by lots of real Italians and my immediate family. It's a groovy holiday with a nice premise (see below), but I always feel a bit like the Jewish kid at a Catholic school near Christmastime when St. Joe's Day comes around. Everyone's all hopped up like a spider monkey on Mountain Dew about St. Paddy: wearing green, pinching people, faking a brogue, puking green beer…and I come around two days later wearing red – talking food - and I get looked at like I'm a foreign exchange student that missed the boat by about 48 hours. In my family, it's the first phone call of the day: "Happy St. Joseph's Day!! YAY!! What are you making for dinner??" and we all get into a long discussion about the 10,000 different possibilities we could make and it's a big deal and we love it! Even my sister's Confirmation name is Joseph – really! It is! Then I arrive at work. And all I hear is the cricket's chirp…nada…and I wish friends happy St. Joe's Day and they humor me - thanks, guys! But overall, St. Joe doesn't get nearly the hub-bub that his Irish heavenly roommate receives.

At this point I usually make a silly comment about St. Joe being the red-headed step-child in the family of holidays, but in this day 'n' age, if you only have ONE set of parents, you're the odd man out – you're the weird one – red-headed or no, so I leave that part out now.

Here's the premise of St. Joseph's Day: Because the humble but obedient Joe (Or Giuseppe as my mom knew him) was such a swell guy and took the unwed, yet expectant Mary into his home without fear of the neighbor wives gossiping, the Italians celebrate him on his feast day by opening their homes to anyone that passes by and offering them a meal or drink or rest. Anyone. Neighbor, beggar, priest, politician, friend or foe – we all emulate Giuseppe on that day and give respite to the passers-by. Pretty cool, huh? I always thought so...it's nice to be nice. So if you're in the neighborhood next March 19, there's a fork waiting at my house with your name on it!

Enough good-deeding!! On to Thursday – today - the First Day of Spring!! YAY!! Celebrated by Celts and farmers for centuries. You know – rumor has it that you can stand an egg on end on the first day of Spring (the vernal equinox) and the first day of Fall (the autumnal equinox) – go ahead – give it a try! It'll drive you to drink more than you did on Monday (then wish it was Tuesday again!).

And now we move from super-pagan to super- religious. Tomorrow is Good Friday. Not necessarily a day to party – unless you're a hardcore Jesus fan. But even then it's partying on the inside. When I was a kid, no Good Friday was complete without a few (or 14) Stations of The Cross – yipeee!! Now THERE'S a fun way to spend three hours! I was never in my life so happy for 3:00 to roll around as I was on Good Fridays. The bonus? Friday means fish fry - and if you grew up in the Eastern side of the U.S., you know what I mean...oh yeah....underneath all the yummy, crispy, greasy, tartar saucy goodness a fish gave his life to be your supper. Good for him. Better for you! And yes! Yes, I will be having fries with that! And a beer, thank you! (shhhhh.....! this is called a "lenten sacrifice" - don't tell anyone how much of a sacrifice this isn't!!)

Saturday…ahhh…Take a Breather Day…relax – color some eggs (you know, the one that wouldn't stand on its end on Thursday) – buy a ham…get ready for...(drum roll please)...

Oh Look! A Chicken…!

I don't know why I think this is so funny, but I am laughing my ASS off…!!

http://video.yahoo.com/network/100000086?v=2175996&l=100000085